Welcome to Larry Heagle's Home on the Web!
Home Ribs Tickled - Blues Chased - Spirits LIFTED!
Upcoming Shows
Comedy Clubs
Brushes with Greatness
Clients Speak
Pizza Party
Biography
Larry's Blog
The Media Says
CD's, T-Shirts, Etc.
Larry's Music
Larry's Collections
Larry's Photos
Download Larry!
Contact Larry!
 
Larry's Music
 

The Larry Heagle Band began in the late 1970's as just a duo when Larry met blues/country harmonica player and vocalist Ed Treinen while Larry was working in Minneapolis at the Saloon at Butler Square. Ed and Larry toured the Midwest for several years before Ed married and opened his own machine shop in Savage, Minnesota, and Larry pursued a career in comedy.

The summer of 1997, Larry called Ed on a whim, to see if he would be interested in putting something back together and by the end of the summer, a whole band was assembled with well known area drummer Bill Rude, bass player, vocalist Tim Keilholtz, and lead guitarist, Trevor LaBonte, who has since become lead player for Texas songwriter, Gary P. Nunn, and tours nationally.

The music is a melange of blues, old standards, some covers of Creedence Clearwater Revival, Jimmy Buffett, John Prine and others, as well as many original tunes of Heagle's including "The Vasectomy Song" and the "Janet Reno Love Song".

The band has been featured at Jake's On the Lake, Menomonie, during the outdoor Sunday summer Tiki Bar sessions, at John Widmar's famous Lamb and Leinie's Party in Downsville, WI, every August, and has worked everything from weddings to conventions.

Their music can best be described as "Party Music"!

If you want a complete package of comedy after dinner and a band to round out the evening, Larry can fill the bill at a reasonable price and save you a lot of phone calls.

The Lyrics

The Wood Tick Song

lyrics/music by Larry Heagle, June 2, 2002
Protected by copyright, BMI

Ticks are parasites creepy and small
Scourge of the northwoods Spring through Fall
Their step is light you never know they're there
'til they pitch a tent in your underwear

Look at the moon it's a beautiful sight
don't share your body with a parasite
Let's get naked its the safe thing to do
you check me and I'll check you ...
for wood ticks

You might have been fishing or leaning on a tree
That's when I find them crawling on me
Even now one could be creeping up a limb
Looking for a warm spot he can slip in

Look at that moon ...

It's for your own welfare what you wanna do
Would you rather have a parasite sucking on you?
Your buttons are the locks and my fingers are the keys
To saving us both from Lyme's disease

Look at that moon ...

Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever
Hack the little suckers with a heavy meat cleaver
Come on, Honey, what the heck
It ain't nothing but a wood tick check

By now you're starting to squirm and twitch
Like a newly wed couple with the honeymoon itch
Ticks are like men at a singles dance
Give them half a chance they'll get in your pants

As a public service I sing this song
If we don't pull together
We won't last long
If you ever find yourself in a fix
Better let me check for ticks
(that's right, baby)
Better let me check you for ticks



On Easter Sunday, 1999, one of my closest and dearest friends, Gerald Fitzgerald, died of a heart attack at his apartment at age 49. He was not only a skilled athlete in football, baseball, and hockey, but also a great writer, teacher, and a person who would listen and never make judgements. I had been trying to write this song for two years, and then on Easter Sunday, 2001, it poured out in less than an hour. It is dedicated to Gerald and his wonderful family.

Irish Heart
(words and music, Larry Heagle - Copyright 2001)

Irish Heart, Irish Heart
Broken right from the start
Irish Heart, Irish Heart
Oh, how I miss his Irish Heart

An artist's soul
In a warrior's frame
And he always played
For the love of the game
A brother strong
A teammate true
And a friend who
Was always there for you

So much of life
Unrealized
so much to give
But oh, so paralyzed
By life's pain
More loss than gain
And it finally broke
His Irish Heart

Forty nine
And he's gone
And we are left to carry on
Can't comprehend
Why this is so
Why so some stay and others go

This is a song written for my wife, Kim Wilson. We have been together over 30 years, all of them better than any man could hope for.

Kim's Song
(words and music, Larry Heagle - Copyright 1984)

I take out the maps again
And trace the roads that take me back to you
And I count the hours of coffee drinking
And the all night crazy driving that I'll do
I keep thinking of you 'til I'm damn near crazy in my brain
I even start to write a song to try to ease this dark and empty pain

And I think about the way you looked
When we said goodbye
So much sadness in your face
It always makes me cry

And an early Kenny Rogers tune
Refuses to be moved out of my head
"You know I love you, yes you know I love you"
And I wish that I were laying in your bed

Wednesday's such a nothing day
When I am so far away from you
And Thursday's not much better
Without you there's so little I can do
Friday is much better cuz I've talked to you on the telephone
And Saturday I'm smiling because Sunday morning I will be back home

Rubber Ducky
(words and intro music, Larry Heagle, Robert One Man Johnson, song parody with apologies to Joe Rapozo , Sesame Street, and The Beach Boys. Copyright 1990)

“Rubber Ducky” was written at my good friend Robert One Man Johnson’s home in Iowa City. I had been to the Drug Town drug store with him and was having my blood pressure taken by one of those pay-as-you-go machines when I noticed I was sitting right in front of the condom display. I saw the Rubber Ducky brand name on a condom package and, well, it was too good to pass up … songs are everywhere.

Intro:

I used to spend my nights alone, crying in my beer
With all the new disease about, no women would come near
The spectre of infection had dampened all desire
Acquired Immune Deficiency had quenched the lustful fire
But hope on the horizon
Raised its rosey head
And since you’ve come in to my life
There’s no more fear or dread
(with a flourish)
BECAUSE

Rubber Ducky, you’re the one
You make bedtime so much fun
Rubber Ducky I’m awfully fond of you
(and you, and you, and YOU)

Rubber Ducky, for the fun of it
Added safety, exceptional fit
Rubber Ducky I’m awfully fond of you

(added bridge)
Individually tested, government inspected
Approved by USDA
Lubricated, expiration dated
And sanctioned by the EPA

Rubber Ducky, you’re my friend
Seamless latex, reservoir end
Rubber Ducky, I’m awfully fond of you
Rubber Ducky, emission control
Slip one on before you rock and roll
Rubber Ducky I’m awfully fond of you

(added bridge)

It’s not scary when it’s sanitary
It’ll save you from the ultimate burn
And like your favorite diet soda
It’s no deposit, no return

When I’m with my turtle dove
I always wear the one I love
Rubber Ducky, I’m awfully fond a
I can hardly wait to get my hands on Rhonda
Help me Rhonda, help, help me Rhonda
Rubber Ducky I’m awfully fond of you

This, unfortunately, may be my "signature" tune. I was driving all night, coming back from a gig in Iowa City, and around 4 am I was crossing the Mississippi at McGregor, Iowa, listening to the radio. The news was just finishing and they needed a 15 second filler, and they did this "factoid" about the most used form of birth control being sterilization. Then the DJ's choice of first tune after that blew me away. He played "It Only Hurts For a Little While" and by the time I was back in my kitchen at 6 am, this was nearly written (in my head) My mother's comment about this song: "It's such a pretty song, I just wish it was about something else." "

The Vasectomy Song
(words, music by Larry Heagle,
except: "double-strapped my thighs" contributed by Robert One Man Johnson)

I went to see my doctor, I said Doc I can't pay my bills
The rent's all spent, the truck's got a dent
And I think I'm getting the chills
From being forced to sleep alone
You know this house just ain't no home
I can't afford no more kids, my life's on the skids
Cause my woman says leave me alone
Unless you get a
Vasectomy, ya gotta get a vasectomy
Just one little male alteration
Could save us from another altercation
It's a
Vasectomy, you gotta getta vasectomy
What a vas deferens there could be

The next thing I knew I was laying on a table
With a light shining in my eyes
They strapped my wrists, they strapped my ankles
And they double-strapped my thighs
The nurses were giggling and I was wiggling
Most uncomfortably
When the Doc walked in with a perverted grin
And here's what he said to me"
"It only hurts for a little while
That's what they tell me, that's what they say"

It's two weeks later and I feel a little better
And my mind's much more at ease
My rent's still spent, the truck's still got a dent
But my woman is no longer a tease
And even down at the office, there's a lot more interest in me
The girls all grin when I walk in and brother they mean to please
A man with a Vasectomy
I got a vasectomy
Like a Fun Kissed Orange, I been freed
Cause it's all juice and there's no seed

With a vasectomy
You gotta get a vasectomy
What a vas deferens
It's beginning to make a little sense
What a vas deferens there could ..
(spoken)
here is the part that I like most
it takes the danger out of being close

What a vas deferens there could
(spoken)
They snipped those suckers right in two
And clamped them off with super glue

What a vas deferens there could be!

This is a song that I wrote for my dad’s funeral service, May 1, 1999. When my father was still able, he would always attend retreats that my brother, Fr. John, gave in the Menomonie, WI area. Invariably during a break, someone would find out his name was Heagle and would ask: “Are you related to Father Heagle?" and Dad would answer: “Yes, I am the real father Heagle."

Daddy Jack
(words and music by Larry Heagle - Copyright May, 1999)

He was the real father Heagle founder of the clan
And with the help of mother he taught us all to understand
You don’t have to make a lot of noise just do the best you can
He was the real father Heagle, founder of the clan
Keeper of old Mother Earth and a hard working man

When I was a little boy he seemed so big to me
Suntan brown in overalls with arms as big as trees
Up with the sun, behind the plow, reins across his back
You knew that you were always safe in the arms of Daddy Jack

When you’re young you don’t realize how hard it must be
To make a living from the earth and raise a family
To give hard love to make you strong and eventually set you free
But Daddy Jack he did it all with such apparent ease

Jack was not a perfect man how many do you know?
But he was a man of strong conviction
Who taught you reap just what you sew
Daddy Jack he left us with the growing season nigh
There’s first crop needs mowing in those heavenly fields on high

Jack lived his declining years in quiet dignity
Never complained about his fate just took it quietly
Daddy Jack he left us on a glorious day in May
And even in his leaving he had one last thing to say
You don’t have to make a lot of noise to do the best you can
It’s not what you say but what you do that’s the measure of a man

Final chorus

I wrote this song in loving memory of Ian Denson, for his mother, Cindy, a dear friend.

Ian’s Song
(words and music by Larry Heagle - Copyright 1999)

The first time I met Ian he was little more than a boy
Young man innocent gentle soul with eyes that could make you cry
And he was living on the edge, living on the edge,
Living on the edge of town
Brown as a berry with flashing dark eyes and plenty of love to go round

Rode the big bird to Jamaican shores
The family, Ian, and me
You’d never known he was only a teen
He was an example for all to see
He trusted Wil, he trusted his mother
He even trusted the sea
Went deep sea fishing on a really rough day
And got sick right along with me

And we were clinging to the edge, clinging to the edge
The edge of the Molly Dee
Clinging to the edge, clinging to the edge
And giving it up to the sea
The family the family the family
My buddy Ian and me

Yeh, we were road buddies, Ian and me
We used to ramble around
Took a guitar road trip down to LaCrosse
Looking for what couldn’t be found
Young man innocent and Billy Goat Gruff
Guitar under the tree
In the shadow of Grand Dad’s Bluff
That dashing young man and me

(spoken)
Then we lost track of each other
I guess things happen that way
I knew he was down in Madison
Working real hard at school
Then one day I was down there visiting my son
Walking around downtown
When around the corner, why here he comes
Lugging books with a purposeful stride

(sung)
And he was just so glad to see me you could see it in his eyes
Just so glad to see me and now I guess I know why
Cuz he was living on the edge, living on the edge
Living on the edge and down
Living on the edge, living on the edge and yeh,
I’ll see you around

Now don’t talk to me of courage and don’t talk to me of pain
And don’t try to tell me that your own life
Hasn’t seen its share of pain
Everyone of us been laid low by the blues
But none of us, not one of us, has walked in Ian’s shoes

And he was living on the edge, living on the edge
Living on the edge and down
Living on the edge, living on the edge
And yeh, I’ll see you around

I won’t believe he’s really gone I’ll see him bye and bye
Young man innocent gentle soul and eyes that could make you cry
Young man innocent gentle soul and eyes that could make you cry

Janet Reno
(words and music by Larry Heagle and Gerald FitzGerald - Copyright 1997)

I’m in love with Janet Reno and she’s in love with me
She watches me in my living room, I watch her on TV
She never ever breaks the law, she just gives it a little shove
She’s the New World Order, weapons hoarder, 90’s mother love

I’m in love with Janet Reno, she’s my kind of man
If anybody can get it done, Janet Reno can
She woke them up in Waco and she put them on the run
This world would be a better place if Janet had the only gun

Randy Weaver he done told us he was taken by surprise
But he is just damn lucky he didn’t look into Janet’s eyes
Cuz she likes to picnic family style when she’s out in the woods
And the massacre at Ruby Ridge was for the common good

Repeat first verse

I wrote this song because the guys in my band started calling me “Short Daddy” and it stuck!

Short Daddy
(words and music by Larry Heagle - Copyright September, 1999)

Walked the beach one day and oh what a scare
Found a six foot lady unconscious out there
Cleared her passageway, tilted her head
Gave her mouth to mouth til my face turned red
She opened her eyes and she said with a grin
Get back down here and do that again

Singing

Who’s your daddy? Short Daddy
Who’s your daddy? Short Daddy
You know you love me since way back when
Who’s your daddy, again, and again

Some like to dance with a lady’s head on their chest
But I like dancing with tall girls best
I used to date a lady who was five foot nine
And when we danced we had a real good time
Tried to tell her that I love her, couldn’t catch my breath
Big fine lady almost smothered me to death

chorus

Some women judge a man be the size of his hands
Eyeing up the tallest dude in the band
Some judge a man by the size of his feet
Excuse me baby that’s indiscreet
I’m short daddy and I can love you all night
Got a sweet little lady calls me JUST RIGHT

chorus

1-800-Talking Blues
(words, music, Larry Heagle - Copyright 1983)

Back at the motel late one night
Adrenaline wired and a little bit tight
Drinking peppermint schnapps and a couple of brews
And just to keep myself company I turned on the big TV
To watch a movie or maybe the late night news

I was paying no attention naturally to that icon of technology
Brushing my teeth and tugging at my underwear
Then I heard gold chain electroplate free digital watch we pay the freight
And like a zombie I moved over to the TV chair

Sitting in my underwear, mouth afoam
One hand on the credit card, the other on the phone
Staring intently into that flickering light
Oh, it’s a scary story but I swear it’s true
And it’s time I relate it all to you
Because I think you should know what happened to me on that night

The first thing I bought was the ginsu knife
Kind that the Japanese give to the wife
For chopping off fish heads to make that fish-head stew
Then I bought a pocket fisherman, to catch the fish
…so I could use the knife...to clean the fish...so I could cook it in the wok ..

yeh, I bought the damn wok, and the bamboo steamer too!

I could feel it happening I was out of control
But what could I do with prices so low
But sit there with that plastic in my hand
It might have been an hour it might have been less
I bought Slim and Rog and Box Car’s best
And an autographed Bible signed by Debbie Boone’s band

A sewing kit, some pots and pans, a traveling iron and a garbage can
An inflatable mattress that sleeps two comfortably
A diamond ring with a certificate, a hibachi with a removable grate
And an exercise wheel I think they threw in for free
Time Life Books a potato peeler, free coupons from a used car dealer
One Eight hundred give it to me one more time!
Don’t stop me now, I can’t write a check
Don’t have any money but what the heck
Long as I got plastic I don’t need a dime

It was just about dawn there’s little doubt
My finger died and I passed out
Right in the middle of just one hell of a deal
If I’d a been able to finish that call
I’d a got Sports Illustrated and that’s not all
A digital rectal thermometer, what a steal!

I suppose you’re wondering how it all turned out
And if there’s a moral that’s got any clout
Yeh, I got a moral and I got a need to shout it
If you’re gonna stay ahead of that debtor’s game
Don’t carry plastic that carries your name
Even if it’s American Express .. LEAVE HOME WITHOUT IT!
Don’t take it with you .. you’d be amazed what you’ll try to charge on a
charge card ..
When you’re sitting all alone, in a motel room, in your underwear,
In the middle of the night.

This is a song I wrote years ago (it’s a Polka) that I only use when someone in the audience is truly deserving.

Butthead Polka
(words, music, Larry Heagle - Copyright 1980)

Everybody meets at least one butthead in a lifetime
Someone who just spoils all the fun
We have taken up the census we have tallied all the polls
And it turns out little buddy you’re the one

You’re the one, you’re the one
You’re a butthead and you’re spoiling all the fun
You’re the one, you’re the one
You’re a butthead and you’re spoiling all the fun

You can’t play like Liberace you can’t sing like Patti Paige
And if your brains were bird shit you would have the cleanest cage
Have the cleanest cage

Chorus

You really are quite pretty you should put on panty hose
And if your brains were dynamite you couldn’t blow your nose
Couldn’t blow your nose

Chorus

You may hope that I am finished but I’m not done with you yet
Cuz if assholes could fly my friend you’d be a jumbo jet
You’d be a jumbo jet

Chorus

Sung to “Only had a Brain, Wizard of Oz)

I’d like to take a piddle on this here inda-viddle
For causing me such pain
If you left we’d never miss ya
If you stay I’d argue with ya
If you only had a brain
Only had a brain

Chorus

The Wolf
(words, music by Larry Heagle - Copyright 1998)

I know why the caged wolf cries
And paces inside the bars

And looks out at what used to be
Before captivity

Its the fire that still burns deep in the heart
that keeps her awake at night

And she knows that she will know no peace
until she runs in the light

And it still matters to her,
And it still matters to me

And it's just a matter of time, my friend,
Cause a wolf just has to be free

A wolf is not a wolf, you know
At least it seems to me

A wolf is just a dog, my friend,
If she's not wild and free

It's the measure of a man, it seems
to just let someone be

If you have to keep another caged
Then you cannot be free

Now it still matters to her
And it still matters to me

And it's just a matter of time, my friend
Cause The Wolf just has to be free

Now the wolf lies awake at night
With her little ones at her side

Wondering how she came to be
Searching for her dignity

And when the moon is very full
It all wells up inside

The one thing the wolf misses most
is the loss of her own pride

And it still matters to her
And it still matters to me

And it's just a matter of time, my friend
Cause the Wolf just has to be free

Rocket Action Oldsmobile
(words, music by Larry Heagle - Copyright 1998)

I got a '65 "98" and she's sure fine
She's my ride in the summertime
Oldsmobile Coupe with a 425
Hydra-matic Super Rocket, ooo, she can fly
Burns 92 octane premium gas
And there ain't nuthin' on the road that I can't pass

I love the way that I feel
In that automobile
I love the way that I feel
In that automobile
I love the way that I feel
In that Rocket Action Oldsmobile

She's long and sleek and rides real low
A two door hard top that loves to go
An eighteen foot cruiser, a beautiful boat
With coil spring suspension that does nothin but float
I got room for you, I got room for six
Show me the road I wanna get my kicks

Got a big-ass steering wheel with just a little play
An electric clock that's right twice a day
Bumper mounted signal lights, ahead of her time
Give me 40 acres and I can turn on a dime
Plush carpet from sill to sill
And I can almost fill er up with a $20 bill

Well she needs a little work, but then she's old
And she runs a little rough when its damp and cold
A little hesitation, that don't bother me a bit
That'll clear right up with a carburator kit
There's room to roll around on that seat in the back
She's a rockin' rollin' love shack

 

 
To book Larry for any performance,
Contact Larry's manager,
Elizabeth Fischer
E-mail liz@psmc.com


© 1999-2017 Larry Heagle - All Rights Reserved
Contact Larry Heagle!
E-mail: lheagle@larryheagle.com


Web Design by EZ New Media